Need Your Opinions, Thoughts, Successes - it's obvious that I am going to have to be the Interventionist...

[DeeDee O'Callaghan]

Tonight was my son's first 'court-ordered' counseling appointment since last July. The original order was signed in December, 2007. When I got there I saw my boy for the first time in 2 months and said hello and soaked in as much of him as I could while his father spoke with the receptionist. He said "Stop staring at me" and "F you bitch, you're a f'ing slut'. Naturally his father 'didn't hear him'. The receptionist looked quite shocked and didn't have much color left in her face but, of course, didn't say a word. It so happened that for the second time in 3 months, the doctor had to cancel. I have been told that my son's next appointment for March 6th will be the next available. Three times this doctor has not returned my calls. He has cancelled two times, the front desk personnel has told me that whenever my son's father cancels and reschedules appointments, there is no documentation in their system. I work for doctors...when a patient calls and reschedules or cancels an appointment, the system automatically leaves the original appointment in the system labeled as 'cancelled'. The screen also has a 'comment' line where you can document specifics if you choose to. I document everything in my planner but I just don't think that it's going to hold up in court if I bring it in...he's just my child, I'm not a doctor, judge, lawyer or CPS worker...why would they believe me? So, first off...any suggestions? I want to first ask if anyone actually knows a decent counselor in Northern Virginia?

Next, I would like to respectfully ask all of my friends here who have been victims of PAS, what they think I should do on my own. My boy is 15 years old and, obviously, the victim of severe alienation. I ask you because my family wants me to back off and I don't feel I'm able to do that. I will see him next on 3/6 at the appointment and then possibly in April for his Spring Band Concert. Should I volunteer at the school? Would it be too much to work at the school full time? I'm trying so hard to understand the mentality that my child has been driven into. Should I be backing away? I have vowed not to give up the counseling and I will not. I have already given up visitation to keep him out of the line of fire.

Thoughts, suggestions, opinions would be wonderful.

[FAIR RULINGS]

If I were you I'd be happy that I'm not a Judge, Lawyer or CPS worker! You're better than that... I don't think I'd volunteer just yet; start with baby steps. Don't call the doctor either, I'd rather see you pick up the pen and write a short and polite letter to the doctor requesting that your son create a list.

Request your son list all the bad things you've done to him in his life time... Don't argue the points but come to agreements on how they may be corrected. The doctor "I hope" will be able to see through the PA and understand you're a loving parent who wants the best for her child!

Most of all understand tough love and be happy in the thoughts that with your love all things will change.

[BKStrelioff]

Keep in mind that much of the time your son may not believe what he is saying, but looking to see how you react. Try to reassure your son that your love is unconditional, and that he is always in your thoughts. Maybe write him a letter that you can hand him during a session, where you can try and explain how much you miss and love him, and that you will always be there for him. See if you can carry on contact via email or something similar.

If he is doing well in school, I would avoid the school volunteering/work for now, as even with a healthy relationship it would be a strain.

[DeeDee O'Callaghan]

Thanks for the responses. I think that the letter idea is awesome but even as we had some consistency going with the counselor last year, I did not feel that he had any specific game plan. I didn't push it because I still felt some of that intimidation around people with more education and think they should know the answers. I'm am now well aware that no one knows this situation or my child like I do. I think that the most important thing that should have been done already is to get me and my son in the room with the doctor to address his issues and do everything possible to mend our relationship. The custody counselor made an effort to do this in 2007 but the real purpose of that counseling was to get his father and I on the same team for the sake of our son. I have not been in a room with my son without his father standing guard since then.

As far as what my son says to me, I hear his father when he says things like that to me. It's either a defense mechanism or I've convinced myself that he has to 'perform' for his father since his father is always around. I realize he's old enough to understand that it is wrong but I also know the incessant pressure his father puts on people. I lived with it for far too long. It drives you to just lose yourself as you get to the point where you constantly do everything you can to just shut him up. Has my son lost himself in his father like I did?

I think also that I will stay away from the school. My older son (different father) told me that school became a safe place for him and if my youngest is feeling the stress and craziness, he needs peace somewhere.

[FAIR RULINGS]

I too like the letter writing idea... When I was going through my situation I wrote many polite letters to my daughter that pertained to just the two of us and the good times we had and those times to come. Letter writing is a wonderful idea.

[DeeDee O'Callaghan]

I am definitely going to have a powwow with the counselor and suggest (rather, demand) that my son do a list. Writing things down can be cathartic anyway but I think we need to concentrate on making any communication less confusing and unfocused and unreasonable as his father has taught him. I'm going to set up my own plan and present it to the counselor.
As far as letters, there was a point when I was sending him cards once a week and I still have copies of all of them. I was told, of course, that he never read them but some day I will hand him the pile so he can see that I tried...

[BKStrelioff]

I would be careful about "demanding" anything. I think you need to build a rapport with the counselor first. I would suggest bringing copies of the old cards to the counselor to show your previous efforts. Preparing a plan is a good idea. Mother's day is approaching, so maybe include some significant parenting time with your son for that occasion (like the entire weekend, Friday after-school to Monday morning) as a "near-term goal" of your plan. Another thing that might help "defuse" the tension is to take your son shopping for a nice Father's Day gift. It may not change the behaviour of your ex, but it will let your son know that you are not making him "choose", and again that your love for your son is unconditional.

[stuart showalter]

If there is a court order that your son receive counseling and the doctor is not facilitating that then I would file a Report to the Court detailing the steps you have taken and the results and ask for a hearing on the matter.
Volunteering or working at the school is an excellent idea. That is something more people should be doing regardless of whether alienation is involved.

[FAIR RULINGS]

I used a light cream color card stock for the cover page listing the case number and courthouse. The back page I used black card stock. I'm an evidence filing SOB... I make the courts work for their money and photos are worth a million words. I gave one to my daughter as well, but it had a different cover page that only had her name on it. Each page was numbered.

I also like BKStrelioff idea about the fathers day gift or anything for that matter to defuse tension. It would be a great way to get to the heart of the matter...

[DeeDee O'Callaghan]

I'm not trying to poopoo any of these ideas but the barrier that I have to fight through is overwhelming. My son is not required to do anything with me. His replies to offers in the last two years for his father's bday, Christmas, Father's Day etc. have been rejected by expletives to me. He has never taken me up on any offer of help. I have continued to do certain things regardless. Sometimes I get no reaction to text messages which tells me that maybe he isn't telling anyone that he received it. Yes, I look for anything I can and I continue to do things knowing that I am going to get an undesirable reaction but I feel that eventually he'll realize that I tried and tried and never gave up.

I still like the idea of my son listing all of the bad things I've done to him and then addressing them. I have no reason to judge his perception. I know it will be best in this situation to accept his feelings and do the best I can to come to some sort of understanding with him. He has been taught in his lifetime to not forgive and never to let someone who hurts you forget it. If I can break through this and pull out some of the understanding and acceptance I taught him as a young child, it will work.

I'm still seriously thinking about what to do about the counselor. He did not call me today as the receptionist said he would...

[BKStrelioff]

Well, as trite as it sounds, just don't give up! I don't know if you have read Amy Baker's "Adult Children of PAS", but it might provide some solace. (I still can't finish the book -- it just hits home on so many areas). It does sound like the counselor is not taking this seriously enough, which is of concern. My guess is that along with "to not forgive and never to let someone who hurts you forget it", the life strategy of "never admit mistakes, take responsibility or apologize" is also in there?

I don't know the age difference or relationship between your sons, but do you think it might help to involve your older son in some of the efforts? I know he will not take kindly to the things you are hearing, so this is a tricky option, but maybe it is worth considering if your older son can help model a better relationship.

[Maureen Lasher]

My daughter (23) told me all she ever wanted was for me to say I am sorry, even though I did not "do" anything. She just needed to hear the words. She told me to tell you this, say you realize you made mistakes but you did the best you could at the time. You know differently now, but are learning everyday. The divorce was hard on everyone, what can now be done to make it better? And say the words I'm sorry. This will open the door and there may be bumps, but stay strong and be the bigger person, even if it is not your fault, kids just want someone to take some responsibility and care about them instead of who is "right" or the winner of the great ego battle, lol.

We are best friends now and she is the mediator for healing her siblings. She told the other kids that mom is a person too, not just a mom. They had been trained by their dad to believe I was just the baby maker (seriously!) and was not a person with a life. Now they see he has a diagnosed personality disorder that is a large part of his anger and alienation issues and I have even got them books on how to live with a parent with BPD. I encourage them to love their dad, he is hurting too. Healing trauma is the key and there are many ways to do this and re program a child, or a person for that matter. MIT has some great studies on this. Let me know if you want more info:)

I would consider a new counselor that you chose, someone with a focus in transpersonal psychology and PTSD. Google transpersonal psychology and schools that have grads listed in your area, you may have to dig a little, but will be worth it. Some good schools are saybrook, Fielding, JFK, Naropa, California Institute of Integral Studies, Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, The Integral Institute, American Pacific University, The Association for humanistic psychology and the Association for transpersonal psychology. Stay away from Dr. Phil type or psuedo psychologists like social workers, case workers, etc. Chose a qualified licensed professional psychologist and not psychiatrist who specializes in these modalities and works at healing trauma. It worked with all seven of my kids :) and it was bad for a minute there:) That's one reason I am in this field for my doctorate, I asked and the universe answered:)